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Kink As An Orientation

I’ve been thinking recently about kink as an orientation. I’m not in any way passing judgement or saying one thing is better than the other. But in my experience there are people who are into straight sex and for whom kink is an add-on. Or, as I was thinking last night. It’s like straight sex for heteros is the Chrome browser, and maybe they download the bondage plug-in, or the cross-dressing plug-in. I think this is the vast majority of people in the kink community.

So if you’re gay maybe you’re a Safari browser (I know, maybe I’m taking the analogy farther than it deservers, and I’m almost certainly over-simplifying). But you get what I mean. It’s an entirely different browser.

For me, kink isn’t a plug-in though. I don’t really have any desire for “normal” sex, or what is thought of as normal. I don’t have any desire to penetrate a woman, or a man.

My entire sexuality is wrapped up in submission, humiliation, bondage, pain, and sometimes service. There’s nothing else. And it’s been that way my entire life. My earliest fantasies, in grade school, featured the teacher keeping me under her desk while she worked, or tying me up after class and inviting the other teacher to come in and laugh at me. My 7th grade teacher was the star of a dirty kink film playing on loop in the 24 hour theater in the back of my mind.

Orgasm isn’t really part of it. Sometimes I think I’m asexual, but that’s not quite right. I’m riven with desire. Realizing that helps me communicate better, I think. Set expectations. What’s gotten me into trouble in the past is not so much the things I enjoy, it’s the things I don’t enjoy. ie. Seeing my lover naked is not often going to arouse me. Not wanting to have traditional sex with a partner can kill a relationship.

I find that if I’m with someone for whom kink is a delicious add-on to the rest of their sex life then we might play well together, but we’re probably not going to work out in a long-term serious relationship. Especially if it’s monogamous. Though we can be great friends.

Another thing, on the same thread, is I always thought that my dating pool was very limited, whereas my domme friends had a dating pool which seemed immense. Now I realize, if they’re really hardwired as tops, the way I’m hardwired as a bottom, their dating pool is fairly limited too, even if there’s an endless supply of willing play partners.

I’m just thinking this through. And again, not trying to imply any judgement. But I’m very curious what people’s responses are.

stephen elliott